September 23, 2011

Friday – 10pm

I need to tell you my story before I die. What I am about to tell you is nothing new. You have heard it all before from so many other voices. Still, there is this great need in me to tell you my side of this story; to have your undivided attention as I divulge my deepest, darkest secrets to you.

         

To be honest, truthful, inspite of the consequences, often times, it is the hardest thing to do. In fact, to be completely honest with oneself and the world takes great strength and bareness that I am not sure I possess. Yet, here I am, in front of the computer desk, writing to you.

         

As I sit here, writing this epistle, I am flooded with thoughts as to whether this is the right thing to do. Will it change anything – telling you the truth? Will you believe me or be able to handle what I am about to say to you? After all, I have tried so many times to tell you my story before in so many ways, through so many voices, will you listen now?

 

For so many years, I have remained silent, kept these secrets buried deep within, under the misguided belief that this is how I protect those that I love. Now, I realize that remaining silent, burying the evidence, hiding the carcass from plain view has only opened the door for more evil to occur and has caused great damage to the very ones I was trying to protect. I now know that these secrets must not stay hidden, they should be revealed.

 

I hope that in telling you the truth, I will lay to rest these bodies I have tried so hard to bury. These bodies that refuse to stay dead and buried but are continually being dug up and resurrected. Here I am, forced to exhume and re-examine the skeletons once again, but this time I hope that by taking this journey with you, I will not only examine but will put these bones into deeper ground and finally lay them to rest, never to see them again. And in the process, I hope to also understand – why?

 

Where do I begin? How do I say this? And what do I say? There is so much to tell. I was told that the best way to talk about this is to speak from the heart – do not worry too much about what is said but just be honest and let the words flow – the right words will come, the story will tell itself. But since of late, words aren’t coming easy to me. Nowadays, in speech, I fumble for the right words to bring my message across and often times it is the wrong thing that gets said. So, I am writing to you instead. I hope that by writing this, I will be able to tell you what I feel and at any time, if it does not come out right, I can erase and rewrite again until what I need to say is said, then I will present it to you.

 

While, for the moment, I am willing, able, determined and unafraid to tell you the truth; I find that I am a bit reluctant to tell you their story. I do not want to hurt anyone in this process of confessions, revelations and purification. It is for this very reason why I remained silent for so long. But as you know, I do not exist in this world as a single, independent entity, my life is entwine with yours and theirs, so it cannot be helped, for me to tell you my side of the story – I must tell you a little bit about theirs, just the parts that interrelates with mine. 


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